When the water is wet and the air is dry
A beautiful sight you may then espy,
On the pier in the summer-time there am I
Teaching the ladies to swim.
Though fightened at first of the water they be,
Their confidence soon will return, don't you see,
When they have feasted their eyes upon me,
And noticed my figure so trim.

PATTER:
You didn't notice my figure when I first appeared-I came on you too suddenly. You weren't able to grasp me altogether, as it were-I'll go off and come on again. (Retires off and re-enters) There! Now you can notice me properly. You see you've got a north-east view of me. It is really remarkable the effect I leave on people who see me for the first time. When I walked on the pier last Monday, two ladies looked at me and fell over into the water. I nearly got the Victoria Cross for that. Of course, that was my chance. The moment I saw the ladies in the water, quick as thought, I made one dash to where they tied the boat up; untied the boat, got in, and pulled out. But I was just too late. The ladies could swim and they were saved. But it was a marvellous escape. If I'd saved them I'd have got the medal. I've nearly got twenty medals that way. I remember on another day something happened, just the same-only of course different. I nearly got another Victoria Medal. There was an old man, a very old man, all bearded and wrinkled, lying asleep on the sand. I was up on top, on the pr-pro-prom, on the pier. I dashed down before anybody could stop me, seized the old man, grabbed him by the legs, up on to the gravel and on to the pavement. Saved his life. There's not the slightest doubt if he had stayed there asleep till the tide come up, he'd have been drowned.

CHORUS:
As I teach the girls to float, the sea goes down each throat.
They say, "Oh Dear! I'm going to sink,"
I have them up with a charming wink.
To my manly chest they cling and their arms around me fling,
Oh dear what a time I have when I teach the girls to swim.

My position is one of a deal of trust,
I'm so full of secrets I feel I could bust,
For the way some girls make up's enough to disgust-
Still not a soul I've told
You would be surprised if some girls you could see,
Whose figures you think are from blemish quite free,
Why, do you know-that is-well, between you and me-
Oh! I could a tale unfold.

PATTER:
I could tell you things you'd hardly believe-in fact, I could tell you things I don't believe myself. There was a strange lady came to me the other day and said, "Do you mind my swimming with my stockings on?" I said, "No." Well, out she ran, dived in, and came up feet first-there she was bobbing up and down-I didn't know she'd got a cork leg. Another lady asked me what I'd charge to teach her to swim. I said, "One Guinea." She said, "Alright, I shan't be long," and went into the dressing room, a fine strapping figure. When she came out, I didn't know her. I said, "I'll only charge you half a guinea, 'cos there's only half of you to teach."

CHORUS:
Both the single and married I teach to dive;
The single young girls can sometimes contrive
To swim under water while I'm counting five;
That's quite a record I call.
But Oh! I've tried, but I've found it in vain,
For diving the sweet married ladies to train.
They under the water can never remain,
They can't keep their mouths shut at all.

PATTER:
You wouldn't believe how strong you get having so much to do with water. Before I taught swimming I was a poor, weak little chap, with no chest and thin arms, Well, now look at me! Oh, I love the water; all our family love water-I've seen my father drink quarts of water-of course, with something in it. And my brother, he's > passionately fond of water-he's a milkman. (Turning as though to someone who has just entered) "Good morning, Miss Winkle, good morning! Beautiful day indeed. Yes'm, ready if you are. Well I never! What a pretty bathing dress! Made it yourself! Ah! Don't you think you might have made a little more of it while you were at it? It won't shrink! Well, I hope not. Now then, ready-one, two, three,go! You dived rather lumpy. That's right-don't struggle-keep cool. Don't talk, you mustn't drink the water. Take nice quiet strokes-one, two, three, my dinner's at four, five, six. Keep your head up-head up! No! Keep that under. There! I knew that dress wouldn't last-here's a pin."

CHORUS: